Category: queer
Listen up FAGGOTS, EMINEM is not homophobic! Don’t be GAY about it.
Hey you dumb faggots, listen up — Eminem isn’t a homophobe or a homo, OK? Are you ready for this tea?
You hissy fittin’ bitches always get your wigs in a twist when someone uses the word faggot right? But don’t worry when you’re walking down the street holding hands with your husband or wife and you happen to be a same sex couple. According to Eminem, it just means you’re not that cool. He recently told Rolling Stone, “But that word, those kind of words, when I came up battle-rappin’ or whatever, I never really equated those words [to mean homosexual]…It was more like calling someone a bitch or a punk or asshole. So that word was just thrown around so freely back then. It goes back to that battle, back and forth in my head, of wanting to feel free to say what I want to say, and then [worrying about] what may or may not affect people.”
See? We faggots needn’t worry or be affected because all those bashers who hate fags, they’re gonna read this Rolling Stone article before blasting the song in their pickup — and they’re gonna go to Wallmart and buy a dozen pink roses instead of beating up the gay boy down the street.
You see? Eminem has basically announced that word FAGGOT isn’t derogatory anymore , it just means you’re a bitch. So basically MZ. SPEARS could have named her single WORK F**GOT.
Anyhoo, here’s how our LGBT poster child uses the word FAGGOT in that non-derogatory way on his queer poz new LP:
RAP GOD:
Cause Fab said he looked like a fag at Mayweather’s pad
Over the back of a couple of faggots and crack it in half
You fags think it’s all a game ’til I walk a flock of flames
BAD GUY:
Now who’s a FAGGOT, you punk?
With every FAGGOT you slaughtered
And a loving mention of anal sex:
EVIL TWIN:
Hi Faggot,
Look who’s back with a crab up his ass
So thankfully, EMS has come out of the woodwork to change the meaning of the word FAGGOT for all the haterz out there and it’s just in time. According to the FBI in 2012 hate crimes against LGBT folk are on the rise, “But for the first time, crimes directed against individuals on the basis of sexual orientation came in second at 20.8 percent, overtaking crimes based on religious bias at 19.8 percent.”
In all honestly. It’s really a shame that M doesn’t have the balls to take a stance and perhaps showcase how he’s changed some of his narrow-minded misconceptions after he hit the scene with his first two albums (see testicle-free photo above for proof.)
It’s called GROWING UP.
MS. EMS knows full well that anyone listening to the gay bashing lyrics above will take them as affirmation of their hatred of LGBT people. SLIM can’t even own up to the fact, instead he gave ROLLING STONE some Sarah Bachman-eque double-talk. Perhaps EM’s isn’t something to be heard as much as seen these days. If you do Google search for ‘EMINEM NAKED’ you get some mighty sexy results. What better way for us queers to revolt than with a good wank?
Slim Shady, indeed.
Undercover Tea: THE FOX by YLVIS
Last night I unsheathed my big pink ball and held it high for everyone to see. Get your mind out of the gutter, this basic bitch went bowling last night and was nailing more pins than Chris Brown at a gay bar for midgets — that is until THE FOX came on and my ball went flying two lanes over. Let’s just say the last thing a pair of old lesbians want rolling down their lane is some strange Queen’s balls.
But I digress…
I’ve heard so many stories about how the THE FOX came into being and it’s making my head spin how much I don’t care. This damn song has more useless backstory than a Tom Hanks movie. I’m sure 99% of the people out there can’t even pronounce the first two letters of Ylvisåker. The basic tea on The Fox is that it’s a parody of what radios force us to gag on every day: blank, meaningless EDM schlock (Cascada, stop rolling your eyes.) Ultimately, THE FOX is one more step in the direction set forth by Barry Gordon’s spoiled rotten family members AKA LMFAO, that piss soaked thrift store find by MACKLEMORE, and that which no adjective can accurate describe PSY. Perhaps we can trace the roots of this wig crimping craze all the way back to the unspeakably untalented Will.I.AM and the Black Eyes Peas. Yes bitches, THE FOX exposes one the ultimate T of 2013 — we’re listening to nuked out nursery rhymes!!!!!!! Cue soap opera sting.
Yours Hunty has found herself driving along in the Pink Cadillac one to many times singing “I I I Wanna Go Go Go All the Way Way Way…” then suddenly getting painful flashbacks to nursery school – and this bitch didn’t start dropping acid until 3rd grade. Britney Spears, however, gets a pass because she’s more sexy Frankenstein than mad scientist.
So the true tea you’re now sipping begs the question: How is modern sugary pop any different than a visit to that old bitch queen Macdonald’s farm? (We all know what she’s doing with those goats, right?)
Have you ever found yourself at karaoke rocking a fierce version of Rihanna’s S&M? You pull off your bra, roll around on the floor like a hot slut, and everyone bows at your feet. You get another tequila sunrise, rip open the song book and try to figure out how to top yourself. You find the ultimate curve ball: How Much is that Doggy in the Window? You think bitches will loose their wigs and vomit $50 bills at your feet. The strangest thing happens as you try to sing ironically, it’s actually a good song. You start to pull your wig off and cry for the damn bitch in the window. You’ve been subverted by the FOX. You walk to the nearest faux marble mirrored wall and smash your head into it repeatedly.
You’ve felt the scalding hot tea of truth running down your head, admit it. Let’s all come clean here and pull out our Smurfs 2 album.
And what about OOH LA LA? It’s original version by Lola Blanc was all about sex.
Britney’s version is best, don’t you think? And it’s perfect to sing at recess.
You might point out that, as Madge would put it, reductive songs have been around since perhaps The Monkees. It’s true, but never has music been so blatant as to make syllables into the bulk of the chorus. I I I Wanna Go Go Go. S S S & M M M. What does the say????
The Fox isn’t really a parody of the EDM craze, it’s PURE SHADE. YLVIS read us all to filth, and we’ve made it into a worldwide mega-smash. Go bitches, go!
Lady Gaga’s DONATELLA is every bit as fierce as Donatella is, well….
Finally, I have a reason to post about Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP — which is destined to be the most thrilling pop album of 2013. I have to hand it Gaga, we all thoroughly hated her after Born This Way killed us softly (not in a good way) with every listen. The sonic turd that was almost every song on that album left legions of gay people feeling tied up by their toes in the middle of a club with their assholes vulnerable and ready to be probed (for me, not a food thing..)
It’s ironic that a good song come from the subject of Donatella Versace but then again, she is a true monster. Dear Donatella is the living crypt-keeper, the true queen corpse of plastic surgery gone wrong. I’m ashamed to admit I’ve spent many an afternoon Googling Lady D, marveling at the celebrities who pretend not to be distracted by that which stands next to them. The true sob story here, is that sweet ‘Tella did look normal at one time — a sexy trashy kind of Taylor Dayne hot. Distorted body image can be a bitch — and so can all that sweet botox.
But I digress…
Lady Gaga has served up another delectable slice of electro pop perfection with DONATELLA. The Toni Basil “Hey Mickey” inspired anthem is exactly the song that would make your jock drop fall to your knees after a couple whiskeys in the local gay bar (I’m looking at you Newt Gingrich.) And really who other than Queen of Art Gaga would write such tea spilling lyrics like:
Walk down the runway but don’t puke (Annotateit’s okay)
You just had a salad today, Boulangerie
Just ask your gay friend’s their advice, before you
Get a spray tan on holiday, in Taipei
Bjork better hold on to Matthew Barney’s lube, cuz Gaga’s coming for him next.
Dish on this shit people:
Hot Black Tea 