Last night I unsheathed my big pink ball and held it high for everyone to see.   Get your mind out of the gutter, this basic bitch went bowling last night and was nailing more pins than Chris Brown at a gay bar for midgets — that is until THE FOX came on and my ball went flying two lanes over.  Let’s just say the last thing a pair of old lesbians want rolling down their lane is some strange Queen’s balls.

But I digress…

I’ve heard so many stories about how the THE FOX came into being and it’s making my head spin how much I don’t care.  This damn song has more useless backstory than a Tom Hanks movie.   I’m sure 99% of the people out there can’t even pronounce the first two letters of Ylvisåker.   The basic tea on The Fox is that it’s a parody of what radios force us to gag on every day:  blank, meaningless EDM schlock (Cascada, stop rolling your eyes.)    Ultimately, THE FOX is one more step in the direction set forth by Barry Gordon’s spoiled rotten family members AKA LMFAO, that piss soaked thrift store find by MACKLEMORE, and that which no adjective can accurate describe PSY.   Perhaps we can trace the roots of this wig crimping craze all the way back to the unspeakably untalented Will.I.AM and the Black Eyes Peas.  Yes bitches, THE FOX exposes one the ultimate T of 2013 —  we’re listening to nuked out nursery rhymes!!!!!!!   Cue soap opera sting.

Yours Hunty has found herself driving along in the Pink Cadillac one to many times singing “I I I Wanna Go Go Go All the Way Way Way…”   then suddenly getting painful flashbacks to nursery school  – and this bitch didn’t start dropping acid until 3rd grade.  Britney Spears, however, gets a pass because she’s more sexy Frankenstein than mad scientist.

So the true tea you’re now sipping begs the question:   How is modern sugary pop any different than a visit to that old bitch queen Macdonald’s farm?   (We all know what she’s doing with those goats, right?)

Have you ever found yourself at karaoke rocking a fierce version of Rihanna’s S&M? You pull off your bra, roll around on the floor like a hot slut, and everyone bows at your feet.  You get another tequila sunrise, rip open the song book and try to figure out how to top yourself.  You find the ultimate curve ball: How Much is that Doggy in the Window?    You think bitches will loose their wigs and vomit $50 bills at your feet.    The strangest thing happens as you try to sing  ironically, it’s actually a good song.   You start to pull your wig off and cry for the damn bitch in the window.   You’ve been subverted by the FOX.   You walk to the nearest faux marble mirrored wall and smash your head into it repeatedly.

You’ve felt the scalding hot tea of truth running down your head, admit it.  Let’s all come clean here and pull out our Smurfs 2 album.

And what about OOH LA LA?   It’s original version by Lola Blanc was all about sex.

Britney’s version is best, don’t you think?  And it’s perfect to sing at recess.

You might point out that, as Madge would put it, reductive songs have been around since perhaps The Monkees.    It’s true, but never has music been so blatant as to make syllables into the bulk of the chorus.   I I I Wanna Go Go Go.  S S S & M M M.   What does the say????

The Fox isn’t really a parody of the EDM craze, it’s PURE SHADE.   YLVIS read us all to filth, and we’ve made it into a worldwide mega-smash.    Go bitches, go!